________ to society

'I've got reservations about so many things, but not about you.'

My reservations were for a table for two but I was left there alone for a long long time. It's been a whole year and that ages me, placates me, calms me down. So these sudden changes frighten me - especially when I was/am getting along so well without it. I missed it. Last week I was miserable trying to find him and maytbe this isn't a deal after all - maybe it's just a kept word - for once, a kept promise. So let's leave it at that. I don't altogether trust myself even when I know what I want.

Today with the new 'fish' has been insane. I don't know if it's going to work - I need to distance myself, but to do that, I need to trust the people around them to make sure they stay safe and out of trouble. I can't do that yet - but that's what happens when I'm taking care of favors for other people - mainly my aunt - I don't want to let anything out of sight because if I do and something goes wrong, I'll feel incredibly guilty. But when I'm in charge, I know what I'm doing. I feel like I can prevent things and they won't ever happen.

I made an Xcel spreadsheet of classes I might take next semester. I don't know what I'm doing. I know a few things: I know who my friends are, I know what I'm aiming for, I know what I'm going to do with certain people - I know I have to focus the second part of this semester - I know I need to give off vibes, I know I need to be able to whistle, also to know how to manage my time and not promise multiple things at once - especially when I end up breaking them for sparkly eyes and a shiny smile.