For I am not the one.

I walked out of the shower in a towel, the big green one, that says SRVHS Class of 2003. I walked briskly across the room (there were two boys in it) and I went to shut the door to the bedroom to change. The door got caught on the Manchester United rug that always seems to migrate across the room for no particular reason. I tugged it and then felt a throbbing painful sensation in my foot. The door got closed, but my foot got a giant gash on the side that, even after half an hour of applied pressure, was still bleeding profusely.

That has been my day. What a perfect closing.

I really wonder about myself sometimes. My lips are naturally slightly down-turned, and throughout highschool, because of this and because of severe social anxiety, everybody thought I was just a little stuck-up. Here it made everybody think I was too cool to talk to. I usually would bet money on my first impressions - are mine just better than everybody elses? Because everybody else was totally wrong.

How am I not myself?

These walls act as tin-can telephones - the sound travels, muted, through the white plaster walls and also jumps from windowpane to windowpane. It's like my little Scottish ice skating coach - an older woman, under 5 feet, who you could hear talking from the other side of the ice rink. That was amusing. This is not. I'm upset that it's too cold outside now to sit there for any extended period of time. To attempt to write would result in my fingers breaking off like brittle.

I don't know about you, but I don't think that'd be pleasant.

And as much as I'm scared about the time dwindling down here, I really want to go home. I want to see my little brother, who doesn't like his life right now. That's really difficult to hear.

Together Everybody Achieves More

Some of the sidewalks of Macalester College campus in St. Paul, MN are now covered with a thin glaze of ice. After the snow on Saturday, it ceased to snow anymore. The snow that melted across the paths froze, however, and now I find myself bringing out again the Flat-Footed Walk, good through February 2005. Wearing the no-tread Converse leaves me in the state of perpetual one-moment-away-from-falling, and it is necessary to take precautions, such as the Flat-Footed Walk, the Eyes Down, and scoping out the paths that have the smallest number of square feet of ice. So it goes, and so I look forward to another winter of watching people fall and many close calls.

I have two more weeks of real class left and it must come as no surprise to you that I am absolutely terrified. What have I been doing all this time and what have I accomplished? There are two parts to this question and one of them deals with the social aspects - what relationships have I improved? It seems like the number of weekends and days I have had to hang out with people has been severely cut and now I am scrambling to go back in time, pick up every scrap of detail I can remember with each person and sew it together, hoping it will form some sort of quilt that will at least be large enough to cover most of me, so it will warm the insides as well.

Academically, I have learned in 3 out of 4 classes and that is not a bad ratio. I assume now that one throwaway class is expected each semester - and to have four good classes is essentially the work of some sort of Athena.

"surely there is a mine full of silver and a place where they refine gold, iron is taken from the hills and copper's taken from the ground; where is the place of understanding and where can wisdom be found?"

I really needed to get off campus and have an auntie night tonight, but unfortunately, she has a dinner party. It's my dad's birthday. He's old - 56. How can he be almost 60? 60 conjures images of oldness, of crookedness, of creekiness - and he's none of that. He's getting old - he's forgetful, he has large bags under his eyes - and he's my old man - but he's not any old man.

What I need is people who feel like this right now so I can gather around in a circle with blankets over our knees making art and watching, not needing to talk because we are all one.

And just in case you were wondering, my existential drama is still unfolding - but not as quickly as I'd like it to. What to do what to do.

i'm upset happiness is not a fish that you can catch

I mean, I know everybody else at this school is having existential dilemmas at this point in time, but this one is serious because, well, it's me!

I wish I had a little potted tree plant that grew money on its branches. Some fives, a ten, occasionally a twenty. The pennies would be seeds and when the tree was young, it would drop nickels and dimes. If it was particularly healthy, it would drop big quarters. Then, with this potted tree plant, I would spend it all on friends - doing things for them that cannot be done without money that will bring a smile to their face. I will make something show up for them in the mail or I will buy cake mix to make them a cake. I will buy some of those markers that they really wanted to get so they could draw the picture they saw in their dreams. I can do things like this without money, but I don't think a little chump change could hurt. If I could do this, if I could bring a smile to the faces of my friends when they were not expecting one, I think I could look at the world through brighter eyes and not feel this nauseating stillness. They have made all the difference in my life here.

hail to you, children of zeus and rich-haired leto

If I meet somebody new, it's not really anybody new at all - because I'm sure that this new person knows some old person that I know. I'm sure there's always some small interconnected web that unites everybody here at school and therefore we can never really get out of it. I don't know if I have a problem with that - it's just a that. If almost every actor on imdb.com is connected to Kevin Bacon by six degrees or less (and most of them by just 2 or 3), I am sure I am connected to everybody on the Macalester campus by two degrees or less. It's a strange realization that I realized quite a while ago but sometimes feel the need to take apart and ponder.

I'm taking a poll. If you miss somebody after not seeing them for a day, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Are you too dependent on them or is it healthy to like somebody and enjoy their company that much?

When it comes to friends, have I screwed up entirely with some of them? Am I overwhelmed by the newness of some and have I neglected some others? Is that why I feel it's biting me in the back now?

My brother is the meatman.

one of these things first

I don't know I can possibly expect anybody to understand me when I can't even understand myself. I love too fast and get let down too easily. It's a personality flaw - this love-'em-and-drop-'em routine - and not with lovers - with friends, with bands, with tv shows - I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess there's just so much to love - and I want to love it all completely while I can - and then I realize maybe I overloved it.

I wam walking the neighborhood street walk boogie and the leaves flip flop leaving self-portraits where they pass. I see proof of living and maybe the world can still be loved. It is raining and it is pouring and my old man is snoring. He looks so sweet when he's all out cold and I feel I can love him and that maybe my conscience will approve someday. I walk in the room to be greeted by my cat and in her black-lipped mouth is a little blackish rat and I know that she loves me and that all is not lost.

________ to society

'I've got reservations about so many things, but not about you.'

My reservations were for a table for two but I was left there alone for a long long time. It's been a whole year and that ages me, placates me, calms me down. So these sudden changes frighten me - especially when I was/am getting along so well without it. I missed it. Last week I was miserable trying to find him and maytbe this isn't a deal after all - maybe it's just a kept word - for once, a kept promise. So let's leave it at that. I don't altogether trust myself even when I know what I want.

Today with the new 'fish' has been insane. I don't know if it's going to work - I need to distance myself, but to do that, I need to trust the people around them to make sure they stay safe and out of trouble. I can't do that yet - but that's what happens when I'm taking care of favors for other people - mainly my aunt - I don't want to let anything out of sight because if I do and something goes wrong, I'll feel incredibly guilty. But when I'm in charge, I know what I'm doing. I feel like I can prevent things and they won't ever happen.

I made an Xcel spreadsheet of classes I might take next semester. I don't know what I'm doing. I know a few things: I know who my friends are, I know what I'm aiming for, I know what I'm going to do with certain people - I know I have to focus the second part of this semester - I know I need to give off vibes, I know I need to be able to whistle, also to know how to manage my time and not promise multiple things at once - especially when I end up breaking them for sparkly eyes and a shiny smile.

of all the many ways a man can break his heart

I spent a lot of time musing today about my state of mind. I realized that I am content, to put it simply, or is it the other 'c' word? Is it complacent? Is it resignation? God knows I've had a lot to smile about in the last couple of weeks, and dog knows that I've had plenty to cry about.

I don't want to dwell on this feeling for too long - even though it's probably already been too long. While question what feels good? That's probably a fabulous motto to keep throughout the rest of my life - I'm sure it won't lead to any destructive tendencies later on in life.

The sound travels through these walls faster than light -

Intrapersonal relationships are difficult and more than ever, I have learned that in the last year. It's not that when I hang out with you 1 instead of you 2 I like you 1 better - I'm just in the mood for you 1. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for you 1 for a week - but that doesn't mean I love them any less. People are a complicated network of red and blue wires and it's really hard to hook them up to all the right spots so that every single little lightbulb is switched on and not flickering or burning out. Sometimes I accidentally snip a wire. It's always a little painful when I get the little shock that comes from realizing this. I've never felt like a mean friend until this year - and yet I've never felt so loved. I'm happy where I am. I love the people I know. And I'm content to let things be the way they are for a while. Not too long a while, because I can't wait long.

Oh, that's not true - I waited a year for nothing and that ages me.

Today I told somebody that the year 2004 has been close to one of the best years of my life.


"it's a lonely lonely feeling when your valentine is wrong"

bitter melodies turning your orbit around

"Now once more the belt is tight and we summon the proper expression of horror as we look back at our wasted youth. Sometimes, though, there is a ghostly rumble among the drums, an asthmatic whisper in the trombones that swings me back into the early twenties when we drank wood alcohol and every day in every way grew better and better, and there was a first abortive shortening of the skirts, and girls all looked alike in sweater dresses, and people you didn't want to know said 'Yes, we have no bananas,' and it seemed only a question of a few years before the older people would step aside and let the world be run by those who saw things as they were - and it all seems rosy and romantic to us who were young then, because we will never feel quite so intensely about our surroundings any more." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

A heavy weight hangs over the heads of almost every student at Macalester - and I'm upset, and you're upset, and when I ask how you're doing, I know it's not going to be good. I know that. It's implied. So I can't shrug anymore and say, 'you know, bad.' I have to say, 'I'm sad, but life is still sweet.' Lots of people I know have decided to give up. They have convinced themselves that this is the end of the United States as we know it - that this is the worst time ever - that we will never ever heal. But it's a cycle - we've been in worse situations before - our generation has just never lived through something like this and been aware of all the actions and consequences.

And while I agree that it is hard to be optimistic, it is hard to pretend to be able to take action right away, but don't hate on the ones who are swearing up a storm. They have a right to do it - you do too. Be upset, let it all out, but realize, that the sun is out and that you are living. To a certain extent, you who say, 'What can we do now? How can we unite the country?' are trying to talk yourselves into that positive riff. Because you know your heart feels as heavy as mine - because if mine feels heavy, then anybody who has ever given a thought to politics and the welfare of our country also has a heavy heart.

So the sun is out and you just got back from Chicago. Or you just finished seeing your family and you've had experiences that will become a marker in your life. Don't lose sight of that because it is so so important to conentrate on your life at a personal level - because you just need to love. Because the Beatles said it best, 'All you need is love.'

what was i thinking when i let go of you?

Complete and utter disappointment. Is this it? Everybody's asked it before, but has it ever been more relevant? Lines at the polling booths, lines, lines, lines, direct reachout to the young voters, and yet, we, as an American population, still want no change. Vote for change? So much has changed in the last four years and still the election is up to ONE STATE. How can four years filled with controversy and the beginnings of life-altering policies be met with a decision split down the middle? I don't know, obviously, but can I just brush it off as simply a case of not knowing? I was surrounded by two types of people today - those who were deeply wounded by the projected results and then those who were so belligerently drunk that they rattled off inconsiderate and insensitive comments that you know they didn't mean. And the second group of people hurt the first group of people and unfortunately, there were only so many of the first group of people. At least we didn't drown in our own puddle of sorrow.