"sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can't move, awake i cannot open my eyes, and the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breathe, and hope someone will save me this time

your mother's still calling you insane and high, swearing it's different this time, and you tell her to give in to the demon's that posess her and that god never blessed her insides

then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things, crawl back into bed and dream of a time when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying . . .

and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on, and your friends they sing along and they love you

but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap, and it teases you for weeks in its absence

but you'll fight and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to, and you'll show up to work with a smile

and you'll be better and you'll be smarter more grown up and a better daughter or son or a real good friend; you'll be awake you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts, and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends and you'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest you'll be brave, you'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful

you'll be happy

your ship may be coming in, you're weak but not giving in to the cries and the wails of the valley below, your ship may be coming in, you're weak but not giving in and you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...."

(Dashiell) has been sitting on my desk staring at the screen, tryingto figure out how the words are moving across the white. He looks back at my hands, bats at them, and is still quite confused. Now his paws are up by the screen and he's looking really really closely... and he sits down on the mouse.

Tomorrow night I'm going over to my aunt's to decorate her tree and listen to bad music and watch 'The Apprentice.' Maybe I will play some showtunes on the piano. Maybe some Disney tunes - I have the whole Disney songbook here and I haven't played it once.

I reflected back on the year 2004 today. It made me feel better that thinking about things that happened in January seem very long ago. It makes me feel as if life isn't going quite as fast as I thought it was. Still, I tend to think of years as beginning at summer, and going through the school year. It's absurd to me that spring semester was part of the inclusive 2004 year.

Rilo Kiley always knows where to stick it to me. This song has been a ridiculous aid to me this last year and a half in putting words to what I feel.

(you know that part in 101 Dalmations where the puppies are sitting in front of the TV commercial, their tails wagging, occasionally standing up to bat at the screen? That is what Dashiell is doing right now.)

(and i don't mind waiting if it takes a long long time.)