got me in sleeper mode

My whole life sort of comes crashing down in these next two days. Everything is going to be compiled into Friday and Saturday . . . I thought I had time, but there is no time. You learn a new thing everyday and today I learned several new things - things that are not life-altering, no, that's too dramatic, but ... things to think about. I've got a long list already - winter break will be a time of introspection, I'm afraid.

This is sort of what it's been about - mom called, told me to call her back. She asked me if I had any ideas for presents for my auntie and uncle. NO! I said, I DIDN'T! I yelled, I HAVE TO STUDY, GET HIM A CHEESY SNOWGLOBE, HE LOVES THOSE! See, I've been through many mind-altering epiphanies in the last several weeks and I don't really know the perfect gift to get people who have everything. So I snapped at mom and told her I was tired and had to study. This may or may not be my winter break. I don't know. But that's what Thursday, December 16, 2004 was like.

Tomorrow I have a final. It will be over in a matter of no time and then I will be swept up into the celebration of another semester finished and be here, there, everywhere - make promsies I cannot keep, regret things I promised. And will I know what is the most important? Will I try to stretch myself too thin? I know winter break doesn't matter. I know that nothing really changes. But everytime I go, I lose time, I lose something, and I'm just going to keep on losing until I figure out what it is I need to save and grab it and keep it.

"finding is losing something else. i think about, perhaps even mourn, what i lost to find this." -richard brautigan

The truth is, year 2004 has been incredible. I've found, I've lost, my heart has been broken, it's been healed, I've won cribbage, I've lost it, I've lost it, I've written songs, I can play guitar, I can draw, I can paint, I have an idea of what to do with life (maybe, possibly?), I am happy, I have kittens, I met Chicago, I've played soccer, I ate obscene amounts of Thai food, I met Scotland, I made Top 5 lists with Mike, I had a great summer job with good people, I sang along to 'Les Miserables' in the car with Michelle, I drove on Pacific Coast Highway, I know I'm getting more specific and more wordy but that is my point. There is a lot of good to 2004.

I still want that little bit more.
The spring to my step.
The spring to your step when I am around.
The spring to anybody's step when I am around.
"I won't be afraid of how I spend my day.
I may go down in flames, but I shall not burn."
The spring that will come after a winter of warmth.
The spring that you just may be able to give me.
The spring when I look at Matisse paintings.
The spring when I go home and mom has made stir fry - rice, beef, and vegetables.
The spring when I see my nephew who is already too old.
The spring when I leave and you don't let me go.
The spring when I'm happy to see you everyday that I see you.
The spring that has the prettiest flowers and the slowest bees.
The spring that lends itself to picnics and swinging on the swings.