"when i am writing it seems to me that i follow a musical cadence or rhythm"

no, i am not that silly girl.

but i do not like change. there were questions on surveys about mental health that i took in my highschool years - to see if i were normal or depressed - to see if i were justifiably sad or just really lame - that asked if i liked change or if i was scared of it. i always thought i liked change - but i guess i thought of it as i liked to change television channels, clothing, and the desktop on my computer background, not as uprooting and rooting down lives.

so i lied on every survey i took because it seems to me that as long as i am happy, i never want change, i become scared of it. summer offers nothing, it does not beckon. right now right here offers easy company and settled situations, easy access and easy laughter. it's easy right now right here. i've got it all figured out. life has been so good to me for the last month or so - it's ridiculous and now i have to leave it. i don't like that because it's a change.

a great quote by f. scott fitzgerald:
“My own happiness in the past often approached such an ecstasy that I could not share it even with the person dearest to me but had to walk it away in quiet streets and lanes with only fragments of it to distil into little lines in books – and I think that my happiness, or talent for self-delusion or what you will, was an exception. It was not the natural thing but the unnatural – unnatural as the Boom; and my recent experience parallels the wave of despair that swept the nation when the Boom was over.”

i saved the two boxes of girl scout cookies that i had for a very long time. the first box was opened in the occasion of a drunken night and the success of a requited friend crush. the second was opened because of a frustrating day and a disdain for a certain teacher and class and utter conviction that chocolate was the only way to help us. it says a lot these girl scout cookies, more than the carefully placed ethnically diverse awkward-aged girls on the cover of the boxes could ever do. but then again, they did get me these cookies. that's pretty sweet.